munchkinland

I want to change a lot of things about how I live my life, but it seems so overwhelming when I think of how to even start. No question I am not the only one who has encountered these feelings. I am heavier than I’ve ever been and it makes me really unhappy. Even though I know this, I still eat shitty food and don’t exercise. There are so many bad habits that I’ve acquired that I’m not sure where to even begin to change them. I have tried drastically changing everything at once, only to become discouraged. I have tried to change a few things here and there, only to end up with it being inconsistent. Now that I’m 30 I have really started thinking about wanting kids, marriage and all that. Then I have days where all I want to do is say “Fuck It” and move to Chicago to focus on improv full time. If I didn’t have to have health insurance, I’d have already gone, I think. Then again, I’m sure I’d find another excuse if I didn’t have to have it. It isn’t just vanity that makes me want to lose weight. I have overcome a lot of health issues and it seems like I should be focusing more effort on being healthy overall, ya know? Appreciate the second chance and all that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not miserable or unhappy in life. I’m just…frustrated, I guess. The frustration is all directly related to my inaction. Vicious cycle of thinking, really. I have thought about things like Jenny Craig. I tried Weight Watchers and it didn’t work for me…mostly because I quit trying. I spend too much money on food that is bad for me, that I thought maybe if I bought healthy food, I’d be deterred? Even saying that I’m sure I would end up stopping at McDonald’s for breakfast as often as I could. Not trying to sound defeated…it is just the pattern I’ve found myself in, really.

I’ve tossed around the idea of a gym membership. I’d like to think I’d go, but I don’t know that I would. I have two really great pieces of exercise equipment here that I don’t use. I’m getting an XBox soon so I’ll try the Kinect. Maybe that will be a positive?

There are some positive changes I’m making. I’m getting rid of cable in favor of Netflix. That will save me some money. I have one of my loans deferred, so hopefully I can start building up a savings account. At some point I’d like to invest money so I don’t always have to live pay check to pay check. That is something I know I can achieve and am okay with it taking time.

Work is going well, but I don’t want to do retail the rest of my life. Performing is my greatest passion, but just not the most lucrative unless you get discovered. I sent the audition tape to “In Living Color” and that was a boost for me. I don’t expect to hear anything back, but knowing that I at least tried made me feel productive. I have also tossed around the idea of going back to school for my Masters. Maybe in teaching? I’d love to teach at the college level. Looking back on my school experience, I know I didn’t work as hard as I could have. I did well, but there were so many areas I only gave a small percentage of effort where I could have given much more. I worry I’d repeat the same if I went to Grad school. Fortunately a lot of my friends say Berea is harder than grad school, so maybe I’d do really well!?

Like I said, I’m not super depressed or anything. I just don’t want to look back and wish I’d have taken leaps when I had the chance. Just not sure what direction to leap. Fortunately I do know I always land on my feet.

I have been having a pretty eventful past couple of weeks. I found out I have to get another biopsy on the left side of my neck to see if there is a potential recurrence of the thyroid cancer. These are the same two lymph nodes that were biopsied in Dec. 2010 and came back negative. Here’s hoping we have the same results this time. If not, I will have to get another surgery and another radiation treatment. The super unfortunate part of the whole thing is that I will have to go off my medicine for three weeks for the radiation treatment. No medicine makes for a very sick Brandie. I will have to miss a lot of work and a lot of improv. The good news is that I have benefits at work and can get paid time off and my teams are super supportive and love me oodles.

To be honest, I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole situation. I mean, obviously I don’t want it to be cancer again, but if these lymph nodes are going to keep giving me scares like this I just want them to take them out and be done with it. I don’t want to have surgery but I don’t want to go through this same thing every six months, either. Then there is the whole thing where I feel frustrated because the doctors I went to before never did anything even though I had palpable nodules on my neck. I am not a bitter or resentful person, but there is part of me that wants them to know they fucked up by not doing anything. I don’t know where to begin to even start something like a law suit and I’m not sure that is even the route I would want to go. I am just frustrated and angry and want someone to blame, I guess.

Adjusting to being single is always fun, too. I’m not unhappy with my status. In fact I am quite happy to be single. Adam and I are still friends. We get along much better as friends than we ever did as a couple. I am also not in any huge hurry to be in a long term relationship or anything either. At some point I would like to get married and all that, but I know it will take time. Dating is completely foreign to me. I have a lot of great friends and I’m attempting to socialize more than I used to. I don’t want to rush into anything romantic as I have typically done in the past. Eventually that will all works itself out, but I wouldn’t be lying if I said it wasn’t something I spent time thinking about.

I’ve also been attempting to eat healthier and exercise. Everyone says that in the New Year, right? I went to the store with my friend Lisa tonight and she helped me pick out some things. At least I have started some forward movement with it. That is what counts. Since I can’t control the cancer stuff, I suppose I can at least control my weight, right?

I am sick of dealing with cancer and its potential chaos in my life.

I have decided that 2012 is gonna be an adventure. I really want to start putting things in gear for Chicago. I also have some things to figure out. I want kids and a family and all that. I do. But I also want a career in comedy. Granted, I’m not really in a position right now to have kids and a family, but that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. I would like to think I can have both. Tina Fey does, dammit!

Happy day off! I think I am finally gonna make some chilli.

Wow. I am fascinating.